Dear Gok,
We need to talk. Not about the lack of structure in my ‘nude’ above the knee tunic dress no. And not about how to get a whole outfit from the High Street for the measly price of £200 either. We need to talk about you, Gok.
You seem like a nice chap. I like TV presenters who aren’t balding overweight white men in slacks. Or teenagers. I love your enthusiasm and energy. I think you are pretty good with people. But please. You have got to stop banging on about bangers. It’s just not on.
How To Look Good Naked sounds like a good idea in principle. It encourages women of all shapes and sizes to feel good about themselves and their bodies. To look themselves in the mirror and like what they see. But your programme, and its sister ‘Gok’s fashion fix’ are really just another way of telling women ‘it’s not who you are it’s how you look’ and I don’t like that one bit. You are kind of like Trinny and Susanna’s nicer, gayer little brother. Prodding and criticising, humiliating women and their inefficient clothes collections, however nice you may be you still manage to reinforce the idea that if only we could sort ourselves out with a 24 piece ‘capsule wardrobe’ everything would be all right.
Also Gokky my love, my darling, my angel, I thought you were supposed to be Gay? Your claim that there is nothing you don’t know about femininity makes me worry a little bit about your sexuality. If you have been spending all your formative and adult years pouring over vogue and dreaming of the perfect angle of uplift for a pair of bangers, when have you found the time or inclination to er, get cock? I know it is fashionable to be gay these days, and gay men seem to do remarkably well in the fashion world, compared to, say, football, where the last professional footballer to come out as gay ended up topping himself. But if there is something you want to tell us, we won’t hate you for it. Could it be, that actually, you like a bit of titty and pussy as well?
I mean, you can’t keep your hands off the women on your show. Naked or clothed.
The fact is, you probably are as gay as you make out. It’s ok. I can handle it. But if that is the case, could you go easy on the claims of what an expert you are in women? I suspect for example you don’t know much about period pains, or menopause symptoms, or female ejaculation. Some straight men actually have quite a lot of interest in and knowledge of these kind of things, gained by fucking, loving and living with real live women.
I think you fetishise an ultra-femininity that is all the rage in the current culture. You dress women up as drag queens then tell them they look fabulous. It gets right on my bangers. I wish you’d do a ‘How to look good naked’ about men. But then you might have to face up to your own sexuality and to the problem that only women’s bodies are deemed acceptable viewing on prime-time television. Cocks are not ok it seems. But you could at least do a Gok’s fashion fix for blokes. That wouldn’t be so difficult would it?
Come on Gok. Be a man. And start squeezing some balls instead of all these bangers.
Yours, fabulously,
Quiet Riot Girl
On behalf of all fauxmos everywhere
Tags: bangers, femininity, Gok Wan
Billy
anwenwenwenwen
jennylemac
Quiet Riot Girl
Burst Pistil
A decent style programme aimed at men is long overdue. Setting aside the wild pandering to stereotypes, Queer Eye was really useful in that regard. I learnt to shave (my Dad uses an electric razor – ugh!), how to buy jeans, and how to sort my hair out from that programme. It may have been bollocks on multiple fronts, but it was a case of any port in a storm.
On topic, I like Gok Wan, and I like How To Look Good Naked. It helps a great many people make changes they’re comfortable making and gives them higher self esteem. That said, it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that the foundation this self esteem is built on, conforming to a specific idea of female aesthetic beauty, is bloody shaky at best, so in that regard it is very much a band-aid on a bullet wound.
Oh I love Queer Eye… I know they are raging queens whose obsessions with home decor and fragrance for men is a little over the top, but you are right, it is a programme about men, men’s bodies, fashion sense, and that hateful term ‘self-esteem’. So you can shave, but can you mince?
I get asked if I’m gay regularly enough that I’m almost certainly challenging one stereotype or another. That or I love cock and just haven’t twigged yet.
It was the little culture one who got on my tits. Always declaring the poor sod had to start getting into opera or theatre. It made me clutch the nearest comic/zombie dvd to my chest in fear that his culture snobbery would come for me and mine.
haha yes. They did go a bit too far! But I liked their love of cocktails and overt sexual references. Much more natural than Gok and the girls.
Andy how can you hate jay? haha. Big queer eye fan, which is a relief actually because I was worried I was campophobic. Carson was hilarious and just how Queens should be.
He just freaked me out. Same with food bloke. I don’t care about anything I need to go to a special shop to buy, unless it’s a pizza, or Marmite.
Ahh Gok Wan, just 2 syllables and a vowel short of having the most appropriate of second names. Quite why I loathe the pug faced, banger grabber so much is hard to say. maybe, as you suggest QRG it’s the sheer inoffensiveness of his brand gayness. Just to see him once wipe a little cum from the corner of his gurning mouth and my estimations of him would rise immeasurably. Maybe it’s his penchant for peddle pushers, little hats and ridiculous earings that make him look like an effeminate cross between a cabin boy and an a gondolier. No, that’s not quite it.
My main problem with Gok is the way he uses women to play dress up, reinforcing the idea that all gay men are vacuous queens who like their women to be nothing more than life-size Barbies (see that SATC2 review.) The way he craves the tears of joy from previously dowdy women when he squeezes them into a banger inflating frock and slings them down a catwalk in the Arndale Centre (glam-er-ous). The insincerity, the superficiality, the patronising that goes into just one show could keep David Cameron going for a year.
I too would like to see a Gok’s fashion fix for guys. Where Mr Wan is incessantly buggered by real homosexuals whilst trying to restyle their capsule wardrobes. Instead of ending the show with some cringingly camp catch phrase he would be fucked breathless and just about manage to blow a spunk bubble from his, finally, sincerely smiling mouth.
In his defence, his dad makes fucking amazing chips.
So glad that someone has finally, er, nailed Mr Wan – and so consummately!
Haha he’s really not my type!
Thanks for your comment Mark, and welcome to fauxmos!
We very much hope to feature your work here soon.
QRG
This made me laugh a lot. Thank you!