Fuck off “Fabulous”

I realise this and my first post make me look a TAD football obsessed and I will focus on the sex side of stuff next time. Honestly…

This is a blog post dedicated to how ridiculously shit the News of the World’s magazine, the so-called “Fabulous” was this week. Apart from the fact that the gay community should probably sue the fuck out of it for being such a lie (it is not, on any level whatsoever, actually Fabulous,. It’s not even Quite Good), this weekend it scaled new depths of utter pantsdom.

I would like to first point out I didn’t purchase this offending article. My lovely Twitter friend Korun and I were in Brum for gay pride (I was a total lightweight and for that I truly apologise) and we went to get papers on Sunday. I went for the Observer and in a moment of “I need sleaze” madness, the Mirror. Korun wanted the NOTW. I tutted a bit but secretly wanted to read it. Well the paper itself was as Korun said “fucking shit; why do I buy it?”… but the magazine just took the proverbial piss.

Entitled a “World Cup Spesh!” the publication featured Gerrard’s bird Alex someone on the front.  The sappy interview with her wasn’t what riled me.  What did frankly fuck me right off was the patronising, “no-real-woman-actually-likes-nor-understands-sport” crap that was allegedly penned by some vapid Sky Sports airhead by the name of Charlotte Jackson.

Entitled “the Fabulous Girl’s Guide to Football” it contained such gems as explaining the offside rule by using credit cards and shoes (what in the name of fuck??).  In response I swore a lot and proceeded to explain said rule to Korun using, you know, the correct footballing terms. Ball, “when the ball is passed”, defenders, that sort of nonsense. This did make Korun laugh and it was her reaction that made me think, “hmmm, blog post time?”

Then there was some utter bollocks about “soccer speak” (apparently we’re now in the USA!?) which gave key phrases to help poor silly girlies converse with ball scratching football blokes. Apparently a “tricky Brazillian” is not a weird beauty treatment involving ripping off all your pubes whilst in an undignified pose. Who’d have fucking thunk it eh? The idea I don’t know what a bloody nutmeg is is just enraging. A spice?? A SPICE?? Do I look as if I use spices? (Italian herbs aside; that’s just good sense.)

Apparently sitting through a game of football and understanding the offside rule makes you a goddess. In that case the numerous men who have dumped me in spite of my allegedly goddess like status must all be throwing themselves off Beachy Head as I type. Oh, hang on a second, of course they bloody aren’t. Loving football is a curse as a woman a lot of the time. I get weird/evil looks from women who think I like it to nick their bloke (so not my style sweetheart), even odder looks from men, bamboozled as to how this creature with tits is sitting discussing the League One play-offs like y’know, a MAN.

Of course the fact that so-called football expert Charlotte wossername is posing in a tight kit with knee high white socks says it all about this “article”. And no, I’m not jealous of her looks. I’m just sad the far superior and in my opinion better looking Clare Tomlinson wasn’t allowed to write it. At least she wouldn’t have come across as a patronising twat.

Tags: football, gender